How to lose baby weight when you’re not a celebrity

If I see another celebrity picture 6 weeks post-partum being celebrated for looking totally fabulous already, I’m going to squirt breast milk in their eye. Here’s the deal: celebrities are not normal post partum women! It is an impossibly unrealistic goal to look like a celebrity does 6 weeks after giving birth. Let’s make it an even playing field here. Give us normal folk a nutritionist, an assistant to do the grocery shopping, a personal chef, a personal trainer and a nanny to watch the kid or kids while we workout and we’ll be well on our way to being red carpet ready in 6 weeks. I actually heard one celebrity say in a sincere tone that she looks so fab already because of breast feeding…period.

Stop it! Stop the madness! Did she seriously just pretend like breast feeding alone restored her body to the amazingness that stood before us? Did she sit there and pretend like she doesn’t have a team of people enabling her to not only have the time to workout and cook, but place in front of her exactly what to do and eat to attain a stunning figure so quickly? That is the most irresponsible thing a woman in her position can do to another woman.

Look, I was 13% body fat when I got pregnant this time. I was fit, y’all. Now I’m 4 weeks post partum and guess what? My ass is ginormous! My belly is going down well and properly camouflaged to look halfway decent in the right shirt, but, again, my ass is huge. Even if I weren’t restricted from activity more strenuous than walking for 6 weeks due to my C-section, I would not be red carpet ready. It is not realistic to expect that we will be. But guess what? We do of course.

Let’s give ourselves a freakin’ break here. We just grew an entire human in our wombs, which our entire bodies worked in concert to develop. If we had the perfect circumstances and money was no object, like a celebrity, then we might be able to attain some semblance of the bodies we want…THE BODIES WE WANT. Ah, here it is. Let’s be honest, ladies. On top of the pressure we are putting on ourselves to lose the baby weight, we are also adding the pressure that we should lose the pre-baby weight also. I mean, if we’re going to start a fitness routine to shed the pregnancy pounds, may as well tackle those few left over from the previous baby, or whatever caused those extra pounds to accumulate in our trouble areas. Hey, me too and me also.

Guess what? Weight Watchers isn’t paying us to lose that baby weight. We have to pay them. Oh, wait, I have to buy nursing bras or formula, wet wipes and diapers, and start saving for another college fund. So, sorry, there’s no wiggle room in the budget for weight watchers. Besides, even if they paid me to eat well, are they going to watch my kids so I can do it? Are they going to do the laundry, clean the house, cook dinner so I can make losing weight a priority? Are they going to get up at night and feed the baby so I can sleep? Are they going to have the requisite hormonal argument with my husband for me? Nope! So the stress is still going to be there, which contributes to weight retention not only by the body’s chemical response to stress, but because it makes me eat two king size Snickers just for funsies.

I don’t mean to hate here. I am happy for Heidi Klum and her return to size zero clothes 6 weeks post partum. Congratulations, I sincerely hope you don’t turn your ankle in platform high heels while walking the red carpet. Ok, yes, I do, because people falling is funny. Really though, good for her. I’m glad she has the resources to do so. What I’m saying is that the majority of us cannot hold ourselves to this standard. These celebs are not doing this because they have better will power or are superhuman. The point I’m trying to make is that they are not working alone. They are working in concert with an entire support team to get them back into shape. The average mom is lucky to get her husband to wake up once in the night. My big sister would kick her husband then roll over and act like she was asleep to get him to wake up and check on the baby. He was so proud of himself too that he was waking on his own. Hey, we have to do what we have to do, ladies.

Look, this is a pep talk for myself here, I’m not preaching. As I squeeze into my jeans that were my “fat jeans” pre-pregnancy, I hate myself just a little. My belly went down, my ass did not. That’s a serious bummer and I hate it. I find myself berating myself for not already being, if not back to normal, at least well on my way. The train feels like it hasn’t even left the station! But I swear to you, I will not let another celebrity post-baby body influence how I perceive my weight loss. I can berate myself just fine, thank you very much. Besides, the only red carpet I’ll be walking is the one my 3 year old spilled red cool-aid on while I was nursing the baby. Where’s my personal assistant when I need him? Good help is so hard to find.

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