An Open Letter to Older Women who resent Younger Wives

Ends up not everyone appreciates younger women marrying older men. Sure, my husband and I have gotten odd looks as he holds hands with a pregnant woman who looks like she could be his daughter- like we’re a little too chummy to be father and daughter, but it’s hard to reconcile the age difference to place us as husband and wife. Apparently some older women don’t appreciate that you love who you love. To each his or her own, but here is my response to An Open Letter to Men Who “trade in” for Younger Wives.

Family beach pic

Our bi-generational family

I know this letter was open to men, older men, but it asked a few questions of me that I chanced were not rhetorical and perhaps you wanted answered.
As a woman married to a man who is 28 years older, I found, An Open Letter to Men Who “trade in” for Younger Wives, raised more questions for women, than the men to whom you were addressing. I would like to answer the three you asked here.

Your first question of me (I will assume the personal for the collective) was: How does a younger woman feel when she hears a joke like, the answers to life’s problems lay in a younger woman?
My husband and I had a good chuckle at this. He certainly got the fuzzy end of the lollipop on that account. I’m certain I create more problems than I solve. When I responded to him that I was more high maintenance than an older woman, he agreed. We were in a jovial mood so I chose not to be offended- but also, because it’s true.

If a man has told you he believes a younger woman holds the answer to life’s problems, he’s truly joking or he has only fantasized about the relationship and not actually been in one.

Can you remember yourself in your twenties and thirties? Seriously, how much have you grown up and changed? What would be a fight or a battle then would roll off your back now. Incidentally, that’s what I love about being married to an older man, that ability to avoid getting worked up over nothing, or if it’s something, calculate a response. Let’s address the second part of your first question.

Is her main value her youth and age?
Was yours? Maybe to some extent, perhaps to a larger extent now, or so it seems. I fairly resent the presumption that if a younger woman marries an older man, it is because they must be an insecure mess to need a man so much older, that youth and age are the only things going for them.

Avenger! pose

Preoccupied with my youth and age

You know what I value and valued then? I valued being valued. Isn’t that an outrageous concept for a young woman? I wanted a partner that was mature enough to let me be the confident, outspoken, strong-willed woman that I was. The young men my age certainly did not, they were too busy being self-absorbed with their own testosterone to consider I wasn’t a threat to their masculinity.

In fact, at the time my husband and I started to date, I had reconnected with an old flame that was 4 years older than me. He was so completely self-absorbed that I mattered very little. A few years had dulled the sharpness of the lesson I thought I had learned the first time, and so we were talking again. I was forthright with my future husband as to this conflict. His response was always, you’ll make the right decision. The other guy’s response was, what do you want with an old guy?

Thankfully, I did indeed make the right decision. I chose the old guy who valued me for me.

Young men in their twenties turn into pudgy, hair thinning men in their thirties very quickly.

What’s left is what’s behind the eyes.
There are plenty of older men I wouldn’t give the time of day. I wasn’t shopping around for an old, bald guy whose chest had fallen into his drawers. I found a nice, mature guy who validated my self-worth. No, my main value was not and is not in my youth and age, nor will my self-worth be wrapped around a number that indicates I should diminish my worth because I am physically older.

Super Doug

Greatest older guy on the planet

As to your third question: How is a younger woman going to feel about getting older, knowing that her man values youth in a woman so mightily?

My husband didn’t value youth so mightily, he valued me so mightily. Maybe I got the greatest “older guy” on the planet- I like to think so. He often tells me I got cheated, getting stuck with an old guy. No, I didn’t get cheated out of a youthful husband with whom I get to grow old, he got cheated out of getting to be old. We’ve had plenty of rough financial times, so let’s assuage that perceived perk of marrying older.

What kept us together is our mutual respect and admiration of the other.

You are somewhat right though, my husband values youth mightily. We have a 2, almost 3 year old, with another due in 3 weeks.

I cannot imagine starting over being a parent in my 60’s, can you?

Starting all over again

Starting all over again

But my children get an amazing father who is calm and laid back, not surprised by what parenthood throws at him. Instead of getting two spaztastic young parents, they get at least one who doesn’t freak out over spilled milk. He always tells people that his two youngest kids got a grandfather and a father at the same time.

It is not a competition between you and me, young and old.
“We” are not stealing “your” men.

I don’t know what motivates a man to marry a younger woman.

I suspect it has more to do with them than their ex-wives. My husband tells me his ex-wife of 28 years just married the wrong man. She left him, by the way.

I’m a single response, and every “younger wife” has a different motivation and story

I simply wanted to make you aware of some stereotypes you were assuming with women, that you were so careful to avoid when you were addressing the men.

I am not a Porsche Carrera. I consider myself more a Jeep Wrangler, something you can take off-road. And don’t worry; I don’t think you came off as a feminazis. You said little to bolster any females of any age group. Your entire post boils down to a “slug-in-a-tuxedo”, for all parties involved: young wives, older men and especially older women.

7 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Older Women who resent Younger Wives

  1. What a spot on, thoughtful, thought-provoking post that illuminates the insecurities of the author to whom you were responding. If each of us, regardless of our age, were as comfortable in our own skin as you are, the world would be a less petty place. Love this post the most!

  2. You continue to amaze me with your ability to be candid, so raw and so inspiring. Your love is the most real love I have witnessed in this life. I share your story often(last night in fact). I am better because I met the two of you. You give me hope. The coolest thing is you did get the coolest old guy ever but he also got the coolest young woman ever. Wishing your family the best, always!!!

    • Melissa, you’re too sweet! We’re delivering #2 on March 17th. I so wish we were in Oklahoma so you could escort us on the journey again. You are an amazing L&D nurse!

  3. I will be down your way soon. This time we have to get together! ! There are few things that would give me greater joy than watching your family grow again. Tell your new nurse to call me so I can guide her along the away 😉 she better be one tough water moccasin! !

  4. Pingback: An Open Letter To Older Women Who Resent Younger Wives

  5. Pingback: Marrying an Older Man | The Tomboy Mommy

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